Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Sobbing

I just spent the past 30 minutes curled up on my couch in a ball. I don't know if I was trying to cry or trying not to. The chemo is really hard on my mother. She's only had two IV treatments and is miserable. She has various stomach problems which disrupt her normal day and sleeping patterns, her mouth is raw and hurts to eat, and she wants to sleep all the time. She is already showing signs of infection (high fever) and started antibiotics on Sunday. It's so hard because we don't know if she's sick because of the chemo, or because she's dying. What happened to the "quality of life" the doctors spoke of? Is mom doing this for us? Is it fair to want her around if it makes her this sick? How long will she have if she gives up? How much time is this really buying? I guess if there were an end in sight, and we knew this was doing some good it would be different. Because chemo is cumulative, it'll be worse each time. She has another treatment tomorrow, then she gets a week off. Even if the chemo IS working, more tumors will show up somewhere else. Dammittofuckinghell. I hate this and the idea that there is no happy ending. I have to stop now because I'm crying so hard I can't read the words I'm typing.

14 Comments:

Blogger *j-u-l-e-s* said...

hugs, hugs, hugs, Annie - I wish I had some words but all I have is hugs. And lots of prayers.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 9:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Anne said...

Oh Annie ((((((((())))))))) - lots more hugs, and lots more prayers.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 2:05:00 AM  
Blogger mamma said...

I am so so very sorry.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 7:52:00 AM  
Anonymous kimberly said...

I, too, am sending hugs and prayers.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 12:00:00 PM  
Blogger Tori said...

So Sorry! My thoughts are with you and your family!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 4:01:00 PM  
Blogger Catherine Kerth said...

we are still praying hard! i am so sorry your mother and family has to go through so much pain... please let us know how she is doing after the week is up. (and let us know how you are holding up)

Friday, December 02, 2005 11:39:00 AM  
Blogger Jo said...

I haven't been able to "speak" with you lately but wanted you to know I've been making sure to get updates on you guys and I'm sorry all of you are going through this. Since my cancer doesn't take to chemo I have no words of wisdom for either you or your mom but I DO think your mom is an amazing person for being willing to fight. Believe it or not, not everyone is. You are also amazing for being by her side. You're doing a good job sweety and I want you to know that. I'll keep you all in my prayers.

Love,

Monday, January 09, 2006 2:26:00 PM  
Blogger Parkersmama said...

Annie, It's so hard to read this, and I have never even met your mom. I know she is coming home, and I'm so glad. Keep us posted.

Thursday, January 12, 2006 6:32:00 PM  
Blogger Tamara said...

There are no works to express how I feel for you. I know you have cried so much. Just know my heart brakes for you. God loves you. He loves your mom. My mother has cancer. It's a tug-o-war between feelings of loss and knowing that I'll see her again one day. Like how lucky she is to be close to seeing God but how sad and lonely everything will be without her. I feel like I'm too young to do this by myself, I know I'm not 'alone' but that's how it feels when I think of certain situations like church, I can't see church without seeing my mom and now I'll have to fill that void for my kids sake (as well as my own), family dinners without my mom - who will fill that void who will be our glue, will we still be a close family without her? Thanks for listening! You hang in there girl and just spend as much time with your Mom that you can. It is going to be painful for you too; to see her like that, but she did not choose it, it choose her. It is easier to let go when you see your loved ones in so much pain, because they are not able to enjoy life like they used to. She will be fine in time. Just keep picturing her in the arms of Jesus and Him holding her and giving her all the comfort and peace she needs. Jesus has made a place for all of us who accept and believe in Him. Our room is there too; and we will see and hold our loved ones again. He promised that. And God always keeps his promises. We are not to question God and His will. Just know that it is all good and that He knows much, much more than we do. He loves us and keeps us close to Him. He will not let you fall. How blessed we are to have such wonderful families!! You are strong. Lean on our Father. He will put His arms around you too. They are big and wide and loving. I'm right here if you need me. There are so many things that I want to do with her but she is just too weak but right now all she wants is for me to be near her and love her. Keep all your good memories of her alive by displaying her pictures of her and talking to your children (if you have them) about her. It doesn't matter what we take with us when we leave this world, it is what we leave behind. And that is true for all of us. My daughter would say, "Chin up Mom!!"

Wednesday, February 22, 2006 8:29:00 AM  
Blogger SheKnits said...

Annie,

You probably dont remember me, Im Christine, from yarn yoga... well, my SIL just passed from Breast Cancer... reading your blog has flooded my emotions and memories and all I can do is cry with you.

I am so sad that anyone has to deal with this disease or watch their loved ones struggle with it. I just cant find the words I want to share with you. There are never the right words at the right time, are there?

As someone who just loss a very close person to cancer... someone saying they are sorry, just doesnt do much... What are they sorry for.. they didn't give it to her. Right? At the sametime, sorry is all people can say sometimes.

Relish in the time you have with your Mom. Ask her about all of your crazy family members, what her favorite recipe is.. maybe if she has a new favorite song. Ask her everything you've asked her as you've grown into the gracious woman you are now, and everything you were too afraid or embarrassed to ask. Get personal with her.

Also, make sure to spend as much time with your kids. My mom took care of her Mom when she was dying of Hodgkins Lymphoma, and my brother and I were very young. My Mom doesn't remember my brother. She has pictues of him during that time, but b/c she so tirelessly changed his diapers, fed him and put him down for a nap.... while tending to my Grandma... she just doesnt remember him. Make sure that you keep yourself sane.

And from experience... hon, if you really feel that your Mom might be going.. you need to let her know (when you're ready) that it's ok for her to go. I could go on and on with everything that happened just a month ago when my SIL passed, but I dont want to be a comment hog.

I am sending love, hugs, prayers... and sanity to you!
Christine

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger Yarn Thing said...

I know this is months after you blogged this message but I am reading it for the first time and my heart goes out to you and your family.

I hope all is well with you and yours.

Marly

Friday, September 29, 2006 12:44:00 AM  
Blogger Sunflowerfairy said...

I just stumbled upon your blog. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

Just remember to take it a day at a time and to BREATHE!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006 10:40:00 PM  
Blogger Sandra Bennett said...

You and yours are tucked in prayer. We don't know each other, I just stumbled across your blog but my heart breaks for you and your family.

Whatever happens or happened, God is in control and He loves you, your mother, your daughters, your family. Cry, scream, pray and He'll carry you through the darkest days into His light.

Agape & Shalom,

Sandra

Sunday, November 12, 2006 7:13:00 PM  
Blogger diosaperdida said...

I understand exactly...my Father...lung cancer.
Damn...its going to be three years in June and I still can't say it without crying.
I wish for your Mom to get well...I think it's worth it.
Perhaps you could ask her how she feels?

Monday, January 29, 2007 7:43:00 PM  

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